Robben Ford Discussion

[nineacres]

Pork chops ...
_________________
"Creativeness often consists of merely turning up what is already there. Did you know that right and left shoes were only thought up a little more than a century ago?" - Bernice Fitz-Gibbon 1894-1982

[jconstant]

Q: What's the difference between a trombone player walking down the street and a turtle walking down the street?

A: Chances are, the turtle has a gig somewhere.

[Aeolian]

I heard an interview with saxophonist Dave Ellis on the radio this morning where he said:

"Whats the difference between a bottomless pit and a tenor solo?

You get the the end of the bottomless pit a lot sooner."

Funny, I got the harmonica and a glass of water joke from a tenor player. Not being able to play much on anything you have to blow into, I dunno, maybe these folks are a different breed of cat.
_________________
There are no such things as wrong notes, there's only the look on your face.
My Stuff: www.stevekirbymusic.com

[Wes Hammond]

"Why did the singer break into his own house ?
_________________________________________

He couldn't find the right key

[jconstant]

The music school grads here should get a good laugh from this.



Final Exam: Music Appreciation

1. Explain the difference between sforza, sforzando,
sforzata, and La Forza Del Destino. Be specific.

2. What is the diameter of the hole in the water key on your instrument? If your instrument does not have a water key, what is the diameter of the third moon of Jupiter?

3. List Johann Sebastian Bach's children (include middle names) and
give:

a. Date of birth

b. Date of death (if deceased)

c. Last known address

d. Social Security number

4. Name the composers who wrote a First Symphony.

5. Give the opening theme of each symphony in #4 (above).

6. What is the relationship and musical significance of the 10th and
11th bars of the aria "Soldaten, Soldaten" to the aria's final
bars (numbers 1048-1063) in the Alban Berg opera "Wozzeck"?

7. Who conducted "Tannhauser" at the 1847 Bayreuth Festival? Was he right or left-handed?

8. Trace the development of the "Family Unity" theme in Richard Strauss' "Sinfonia Domestica". In which key(s) is it presented?

9. Describe in detail the formula for the varnish on violins made by
Stradivari during the first third of his career. Explain how this varnish differs from varnish used on his violas. What modern substances
could be effectively substituted in duplicating this formula today?

10. What is the optimum acidity/alkalinity (expressed in pH) for soil in
which cane for bassoon reeds are to be grown? For bass clarinet reeds?

11. Name the bones and muscles involved in forming a brass player's
embouchure.

12. What is the advantage of using xylophone mallet heads made of:

a. Ebony

b. Teak

c. Philippine Mahogany

d. Compressed moose chips

13. Argue both sides of the following statement:
"The most important element in music is rhythm." Critique both arguments and decide which is correct, or more nearly correct. Compose a three-movement symphonic metamorphosis (not
to exceed 1 hour in length) on a theme by Ned Rorem to support
your decision.

14. Defend Mozart's use of the glass harmonica and explain why this
instrument has lapsed into disfavor, especially among punk rock
groups.

15. Give the "Slap-Back" time in seconds (to three decimal places) of
each hall used by all major American and European orchestras.
Defend your selection of each orchestra as a major orchestra, and name each orchestra's past and present conductors.

16. In which of his symphonies did Franz Joseph
Haydn use:

a. Clarinets

b. Horns

c. Tympani

d. Bassoons

17. Write the first 25 bars of Stravinsky's "Circus Polka" (from
memory), and analyze.

18. What is the Kockel number of Mozart's 4th Horn Concerto?

19. Develop a simple set of rules that explain the harmonic and melodic progressions, voice leadings, and rhythmic notation of the music of Bartok.

20. Give the ratio between the bore and overall length of a Couesnon
Contra-Bass trombone, Model G-571a, when the slide is in flat
4th position. If this position is used in conjunction with both thumb valves (F and D) to play the 7th note of the overtone series, what
note will be sounded? Will it be sharp, flat, or in tune? If sharp or flat, by how many hundredths of a semi-tone?

21. Who invented the Ocarina? In what year? Why?

22. Explain the musical inconsistencies as to key, notation,
accidentals, etc, found in the original score of Robert Schumann's
Symphony #3.

23. Write a seven-voice motet in the style of Orlando di Lassus in
invertible counterpoint. Extra credit if the motet can also be
performed backwards.

24. Using materials commonly found in the kitchen, construct a 15 rank, 3-manual positive organ (with pedals) and use it to perform
two pieces by Oliver Messain.

25. Reconstruct the missing movements of Schubert's
Unfinished Symphony.

26. Give the Russian, German, and Serbo-Croatian equivalents of the following Italian terms: Tuffato, Con Amore, Cadenza, Fugato,
Garbanzo, Mafioso, and Ferrari.

27. Explain why Benny Goodman could use parallel octaves but you can't.

END OF EXAM

[Diode]

What does it mean when a guitarist is drooling out of one side of his mouth?


A. The stage isn't level.


Hear the one about the drummer who locked his keys in the car?
Took him 2 hours to get the bass player out.

What does a bass player use for contraception?
His personality.

[burger.ie]

Two really bad ones;

What did the bluesman have written on his gravestone?
Didn`t wake up this morning.

What do you call a person who hangs around musicians all the time?
A drummer.

[burger.ie]

Sorry`didn`t realise one of my bad jokes had been told already.
Here`s a worse one.

What kind of guitar tuning does Saddham Hussien use?
BAGDAD

[elizabeth]

One of the people in my band sent me this today, but added that #21 does NOT apply to us!

Andrew's gig Saturday night was FABULOUS! There will be a video soon, I promise!

BLUES RULES

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood
the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
unless you stick something nasty in the next line like,
"I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple.  After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes - sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice.  You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.  So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.  They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.  In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression.  Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places
to have the Blues.  You cannot have the Blues in any place that
don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. 

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.  
The lighting is wrong.  
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10.  Good places for the Blues:
A. highway
B. jailhouse
C. empty bed
D. bottom of a whiskey glass

11.  Bad places for the Blues:
A. Nordstrom
B. gallery openings
C. Ivy League institutions
D. golf courses

12.  No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
unless you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. 

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?  Yes, if:
A. you're older than dirt
B. you're blind
C. you shot a man in Memphis
D. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
A. you have all your teeth
B. you were once blind but now can see
C. the man in Memphis lived
D. you have a 401K or trust fund

14.  Blues is not a matter of color.  It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues.  Sonny Liston could have.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the blues.  
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
A. cheap wine
B. whiskey or bourbon
C. muddy water
D. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
A. Perrier
B. Merlot
C. Snapple
D. Slim Fast

16.  If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction or other elective surgery.

17. Some Blues names for women:
A. Sadie
B. Big Mama
C. Bessie
D. Fat River Dumpling

18.  Some Blues names for men:
A. Joe
B. Willie
C. Little Willie
D. Big Willie

19.  Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather cannot sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.  Kevin, Archibald and Trevor cannot have the Blues, any
more than Eufracio, Sven, Heinrich or Guglielmo.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
A. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
B. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
C. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton, etc.)
For example: Blind Watermelon Jefferson, Peg-leg Lemon Johnson or Lame
Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21. Ain't no mind how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues.  Period.  Sorry. 



 

 

 
_________________
www.elizabethgage.com

[Leftbender]

Great post, Elizabeth!! Very funny! But there is one thing I miss. What is a good blues outfit?? I mean, what can you wear on stage and what is wrong?
_________________
"Don't play what's there, play what's not there" Miles Davis

[edpesco]

Well Liz, everyone on this board must subdue to all these 21 commendments of the blues. Finally I know what's wrong with me: my name is Edmund and though I'm not playing golf or tennis I'm not intending to shoot anybody for a compensation, especially not in Memphis. By by blues...

[JohnnyZ]

That was great! I can imagine a bunch of people/comedians reciting that list! Especially, imagine James Earl Jones...

Thanks, elizabeth! Much needed humor!
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Soul on Eleven

[frank0936]

What's the biggest compliment you can give a banjo player?



"Hey man, nice tooth!"

[Bluelobster]

i must have been alzhhheimer since i've made the giant pizza joke way years ago do there is the new one :
what is the difference between a cow tail and a guitar player
the tail hide it alll


And how many of you know the one about the drums noise in the jungle???
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